When I heard about the government finding non-human biologics, my first thought was whether aliens would find me attractive. I fare pretty well with a specific type of woman, the hipster artsy girl. Often owns a cat or two, regrets none of her tattoos when she should regret them all, and talks way too much about authors whose books I can’t get past chapter two. My type is the blonde cheerleader from movies, often called Stacy, and driving a convertible VW Bug. Unfortunately, I’m the furthest thing there is from who they go for: muscles, a scruffy face, and a cool swagger resulting from a belief they can do anything. My type could be aliens, but I’ll have to wait until Congress approves the release of visual evidence.

I know I would be okay with any shade of green, but a grey skin tone would be a dealbreaker. When it comes to the number of eyes, I don’t think it matters as much as their location. I’ve seen movies where the aliens looked almost crab-like. I need a partner I can look directly into their eyes, no matter how many of them there are. The Stacys’ eyes are usually blue; the artsy girl has all different colored irises but is always adorned with non-prescription glasses; my eyes are frisco which I think the aliens would appreciate.

Besides their face, there is the matter of breasts. I mean, I assume biologically they likely have some sort of tit-like feature to feed their offspring, now it is more of a matter of whether I can suck on them or not. Human milk doesn’t taste as good as you would expect, maybe aliens have evolved to more elevated flavors.

My first real girlfriend had a colossal forehead. It made her insecure enough to date me, but I never minded it. The forehead that is. We were together for almost eight months, but eventually, she found out I didn’t even finish the SparkNotes on her favorite novel. I’m currently trying to get past chapter three of The War of the Worlds, for once I’m trying to get ahead.

I shaved my head for the first time ever. I read somewhere (it was TikTok, really) that hair has become useless with respect to survival value, so I’m sure a more advanced civilization has already evolved past razor bumps. Bald by choice is hot because even if you don’t have it, it forces you to gain confidence. Mine should arrive any minute now. It is hard to predict what their women, or should I say, females? It is hard to predict what their demoiselles will be attracted to, which is why I’m trying to guess based on movies and common sense.

If these aliens are peaceful and have a diplomatic mission, then my philosophy major will finally be useful as a differential. I can position myself as a thought leader and impress them with my wit, even if minimal compared to theirs. Now, if their plan is a bit more hostile and they come for an invasion, everyone will struggle but the stronger looking will be more admired as they become warriors. That’s why I’m signing up for Planet Fitness. I have tried working out before with the sole purpose of becoming more desirable to the other gender, but the motivation wasn’t enough. Maybe to the other species will make me stick around.

Regardless, I just hope I’m attractive enough to bang an alien before everybody is doing it. Maybe then I’ll have a chance with Stacy.

The end.

– Gustavo Melo