When my mom died my sister was on her first vacation without the kids. I didn’t know what to do, so I kept everything the same.
My sister had gone to the beach for a peaceful yet rambunctious long weekend with her girlfriends. Four busy women got their schedules and sitters to align and declared they deserved a break. They deserved to be the only ones with needs for a few glorious days. I couldn’t have called screaming just as they put their luggage on freshly made hotel beds.
My sister and I always email pictures of our trips to our mother. We could be finishing up a 14 mile hike at the bottom of the earth and we can’t wait to get wifi and email our mom all about it.…
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She visits the playground almost every day. A lone swing stirs, and she knows it for what it is: a sign from her son that he’s still here, maybe not so that she can touch skin-to-skin, maybe not so she can breathe in tuna fish, sweat, and red licorice, but not gone either.
Once the playground was a vibrant place, crammed full of parked strollers and bags of Cheerios. Her son darted from the swing set to the sandbox to the covered green plastic slide that curved into a sudden drop. The other children grew up, started driving, went to college or work. The new crop of parents, calling the playground a death trap, petitioned for a safer area for their children, a place away from the woods, a place with rounded edges and soft landings.…
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Dark. Driving the country road on the way home to the city from her daughter’s, there was the county fair: Ferris Wheel, Tilt a Whirl, Fun House, lights a riotous invasion of a farm field.
Her daughter had told me she was pregnant again. Two children in two years. She didn’t need three. She had a part-time job as a bank teller. Her husband drove a delivery truck. They grew their own vegetables, cut their own hair.
Her daughter wanted her to move in with them before the new baby, be a babysitter, be with family as she got old, add her social security to what they had. Better for everyone, her daughter said. There was a little shack behind the run-down farmhouse. It has potential, her daughter said.…
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They raise a flag in time with the rising sun as the squad takes aim. “What a pity,” they say. Not bothering to cover the sound of their words. “She was such a lovely thing.” Mato looks up and meets my eyes, which would be a sign of submission to these savages. My father walks over and takes my hand.
I know he’s showing me mercy, letting me know that even though I carry the child of a ‘wild man,’ he still stands by me. He’s offering me sympathy. Not for my loss, as we stand waiting for my husband’s death, but for the indignities I suffered having to live such a life with the tribe. My tribe.
I see only Mato’s face as I step in front of the firing squad.…
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Grandmother woke me at 1 a.m. “Eliot, the house is on fire,” she said, looking all around wild-eyed, one hand clutching at the frayed lace collar of her nightgown as if flames might engulf us at any moment. She braced herself against her walker, steadying all but her withered cheeks and sagging arms, which wobbled as she bobbed her head about the room looking for a way out.
“Everything’s fine,” I reassured her as I sat up on a cot near her bedside and took her by an arm, hoping to calm her – but mostly hoping to go back to sleep.
She reared back and pulled her arm away. “You think I lived this long and don’t know a house fire when I see one?”…
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“Pretty face,” the guard says.
I wipe away some sweat-lined dirt, smile.
“Occupation?”
“Nurse.”
He squints, doubts.
“Drugs?”
I shake my head. He doesn’t want what I have – the sleeping pills, marijuana. He wants antibiotics. He has the disease. His hat and collar hide it. What do I care? We are all going to get sick, had all gotten sick, will always be sick.
“Papers?”
I hand him the water damaged passbook.
If he opens it, he’ll mostly see blossoms and blotches. On one page, there may be enough stamp to reveal a cross. The picture will show just shoulders and a neck. The face is white space.
The train sounds its whistle, bell. Then the wheels clickety, clickety, clack.…
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I open my eyes very slowly, as if emerging from a storm cellar after the tornado. A cluster of people peers down at me. A young woman carefully tucks her purse beneath my head. I see her lips are moving and am reminded of the adult voices in a Peanuts cartoon. I try to laugh but this alarms the crowd gathered around me. The young woman shakes her head and gently pushes my chest to keep me supine. With closed eyes, the deprivation of sight enhances my hearing. Children laughing, rhythmic chanting from the Hari Krishnas, the chug of a small train. Central Park.
I remember now, standing in line to buy a lemonade. A handsome young man talking. Flattered. It’s been so long since a man talked to me.…
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