Custom Jesus

By Bryce Taylor

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Welcome to Custom Jesus! Where you get to hang out (virtually!) with the Jesus of your choice and predilection! Here are some recommendations to which you should not at all feel limited to, but feel free to choose them if you so please and desire!

Good Old American Jesus: This popular Redeemer emphasizes the importance of the traditional family, patriotism, freedom, capitalism, and the basic fundamental values of our Founding Fathers. For an additional $10, he will sing the lyrics of “My Country ‘Tis of Thee” to the tune of an ancient Galilean bar song!

Jock Jesus: Say goodbye to the “meek and mild” Savior of Sunday School days gone by, this Jesus is not afraid to flex his washboard abs. Turn the other cheek? I don’t think so! Jock Jesus does not walk the extra mile, he runs it — in under five minutes! Booyah.

Secular Jesus: Who needs over-the-top miracles when you can have fascinating lessons about generosity and humane behavior more or less consonant with the teachings of other humane leaders like Confucius, Gandhi, and MLK? This Jesus proves you can be super without being supernatural!

Marxist Jesus: Talk about immanentizing the eschaton, this Jesus preaches a Gospel of radical equality and classlessness and material prosperity for all, meanwhile eschewing hope in “another world.” Boy, can this Son of Man stick it to the man!

Historical Jesus: As per the latest research of renowned and accredited scholars, this Jesus will vary from month to month. Guaranteed to be the genuine article!

Coming soon: Prosperity Jesus! Easier for a camel to go through the eye of a homeless man than for this Jesus to give a rat’s behind!

Bryce Taylor