I have always been great at lying and I rarely, ever, get caught.  I studied the masters for decades and concluded that I would join their ranks without fanfare or notice.  I became an expert by process of elimination.  I deflected lie detector tests, ex-girlfriend’s scrutiny, and initial employment background checks.  Never caught once.  When Shakespeare told me, “the eyes are the windows of the soul”, I closed the curtains to avoid a baseline examination of the real me.  That is the truth (pause for a Falstaff laugh) to being a great liar.  NEVER LET ANYONE KNOW WHO THE REAL YOU REALLY IS!

All lie detection methods are based upon one or more of three basic principles as follows:

1) Physiological response (increased blood pressure, increased body temperature, change in galvanic skin resistance, etc.) to questioning after determining a baseline for responding to “normal” or direct questions.

2) Long term contact with the same person who has had the opportunity to see your varied spectrum of emotions during stressful events.  A long time married person knows when their spouse is lying.  They may not call their spouse out on it, but they know it. What is worse for the liar is that the liar knows the spouse is suspect and will not divulge their proof until they are good and ready to build their case.

3) The liar providing too much information.  This is tricky for the good liar, who wants to be the great liar, if he has an ego.  The best lies are discovered dormant in the shadowy areas between truth, verifiable truth, and rock solid truth.  There is just a kernel of truth buried within a web of deceit to make verification virtually impossible for the doubter to substantiate. Always a bit of plausible deniability exists for the liar to squirm out and lie again another day. Always an excuse looming overhead.  “I didn’t say Tuesday, I said next Tuesday” or “You must have heard me wrong” or “Your sources are not as credible as mine” or my favorite now that the internet is widely available, “Anybody can photoshop or post any story about anybody at any time.  You know me.  Do you know who posted that lie?”

So, you must be asking yourself, how can I become a great liar?  Well, there are three great postulates to lying, as follows:

1) Listen, don’t speak.  Great liars are great listeners.  They don’t collect stamps or coins; they collect tidbits of information for later use.  When you are a great listener, you learn what your mark (the person you are lying to) will swallow.  Sometimes, a great lie needs to be nibbled on in small doses to make consumption (i.e. believability) more compatible. Rarely do marks swallow a whopper.  Unfortunately, when they do, they will remember the lie and the liar.

2) Give your mark the impression that when you are wrong, it wasn’t a lie, it was a mistake. Don’t argue when caught.  Don’t demand verification (always a bad move because it teaches the mark how to verify information).  Just be humble and admit you made a mistake.  People like being around humble and gracious people.  Don’t be wrong often, just enough to prove that you’re only human.  Sorry.

3) Don’t try to remember your lies (and NEVER write them down), just don’t lie that often. Lies are very similar to diamonds.  Even small ones have great value and when polished and mounted with care, they deliver better than cash.

Finally, to become a great liar takes time, patience, and a complete disregard for your fellow man’s feelings.  If you read this far, you already know this.  Furthermore, the people who know you already know this about you.  Some may tell you they don’t care about it.  They may be telling you the truth.  They may also be a great liar working his trade.

– Andy Betz