Get On Up: 30 Tunes That Are Better Than Coffee

By David Kirby

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As a registered caffeine addict, I’m more than a little bewildered by anyone over the age of twelve who doesn’t drink coffee. I’m with Michael Pollan, whose recent audiobook, Caffeine, explores not only how the world’s most widely used psychoactive drug has taken over our lives but also tells how he tested his own reliance on caffeine by giving it up for three months. Pollan slept better, he says, but his brain power flagged and his productivity declined, so he went back to the stuff.

As for myself, well, I’m glad that somewhere around the year 850, an Ethiopian goatherd named Kaldi noticed that when his charges nibbled the berries of a certain plant, they gave up the foxtrot, waltz, and mambo forever and began to do the twist, frug, swim, hitchhike, monkey, slop, Watusi, pony, shake, jerk, stomp, shag, and mashed potatoes. Life hasn’t been the same since.

Speaking of music, when I’m working, I don’t always feel like going back to the kitchen to make my third (or ninth or eleventh) cup of joe. At such moments, I’ve found that certain songs will do for me what a mugful of pure Arabica will, and below you’ll find a month’s worth of the ones that work best.

Most of the tunes below are up-tempo and short, and wherever possible, I post links to versions that are enhanced by a high-energy video. I tried to stay out of the mainstream: nothing against Elvis, Little Richard, or James Brown (from whom I’ve taken this essay’s title), but the surprise factor is intended to be part of the effect these tunes have as they torpedo their way into your central nervous system and get you up and dancing the way Kaldi’s goats did.

Each selection will be the equivalent of a cup of dark roast. A fair amount of it is pioneer rock and soul. The founding mothers and fathers of today’s music wanted to blast Patti Page and Mitch Miller off the charts, and to do that, their records had to be short, fast, and loud. All of those tunes are toe tappers, but beyond that, there’s a lot of syncopation as well—there’s nothing like a pile-driving backbeat to get you on your feet.

The surprising part is that these selections aren’t all rock ‘n’ roll. There’s classical here, country, ska, old-school rap—a bit of everything. After all, and as Paul Valéry said, we get drunk from the wine in the bottle, not the label on the outside. My plan is not only to please but also prod the reader, who’ll just naturally start thinking of her own overly caffeinated favorites and adding them to mine. Let’s start!

John Conlee – “Common Man”

This song is bullshit. I love it. It is to songs what Top Gun is to movies. (One critic of Top Gun called it “objectively weak but subjectively wonderful” – it’s cheesy, in other words, but it works.) “Common Man” doesn’t have the tempo of a lot of the upcoming choices, though you’ll laugh so hard that you’ll wake up anyway. And, if anyone has ever taken time out of their busy schedule to let you know that you’re not quite as wonderful as they are, you just might find yourself sympathizing with the singer.

Etta James – “The Blues is My Business”

Uh-oh! Here comes Etta. Run, everybody! I love Etta James, but I’m not sure I’d want to live next door to her. I have the feeling she’d say, “Your life’s been a little too easy, son—come over here and let me rough it up for you.” You might want to get this cup to go.

Mozart – “Queen of the Night” (aria from The Magic Flute)

We’re going straight to the source this time. We’re going to stick our finger in the wall socket. Mozart knew he was dying as he worked on The Magic Flute, and I bet he said to himself, “Okay, they’re not going to forget this one.” Go ahead and try—I dare you.

The Dead Milkmen – “Punk Rock Girl”

A cup of joe in the morning usually wakes me up, but sometimes, and it probably depends on what I did the night before, it just makes me feel young and stupid again. This song makes me feel young and stupid. Oh, and happy, too.

Question Mark and the Mysterians – “96 Tears”

Your eyes are open, but are you ready to move? Question Mark and his band have thoughtfully produced a little training video for you here, and if Question Mark’s slap-and-slide footwork doesn’t get you going, nothing will.

Son House – “Death Letter”

You might not want to hear the words “death letter” first thing in the morning, but when Son House grabs his suitcase and takes off down the road, I bet you’ll be right behind him.

Albert Collins – “I Ain’t Drunk ( I’m Just Drinkin’)”

Overdo it last night? Come on, now. You weren’t drunk—you were just drinking, or at least that’s how Albert Collins sees it. Nothing like getting out on the floor and dancing off a good hangover.

Cyndi Lauper – “Girls Just Want to Have Fun”

I promised to steer away from the mainstream, but at least this one is a variation on the one you already know. This take doesn’t have the high notes and stabby synth-pop sound of the studio version, but Cyndi is in great voice, and the joy her Argentine fans take in her impromptu performance will get you going.

Jacques Offenbach – “Can Can”

Can you say “Hot dang!” in Slovenian? Here, let Jacques Offenbach do it for you.

Little Eva – “The Loco-Motion”

Is this version one you’re already familiar with? Then go to YouTube and put the words “Inland Empire Locomotion” into the search window. You’ll be led to a clip from the David Lynch film Inland Empire in which a bewildered Laura Dern watches nine Polish prostitutes dance to Little Eva’s peppy vocal stylings. But don’t judge Laura Dern: you’d be bewildered, too, if you found a bunch of cute Polish hookers dancing in your living room.

The Clash – “Rudie Can’t Fail”

There are live-action versions of this song, but they’re harder to follow. The English accents, bad teeth, and mandatory punk mumbling render the words unintelligible on those videos. This one features the lyrics so you can sing along with the lads.

Devo – “Satisfaction”

All you have to do is say “Devo” to somebody who was around in the day to see a big stupid grin spread all over their kisser. The story goes that band members played their version for Mick Jagger, fearing he’d hate it, and instead he jumped up and began to dance. Here’s your chance to dance with Mick!

UB40 – “Can’t Help Falling in Love”

Ever feel like adding decaf to your grounds and making yourself a cup of halfeine? This song is the musical equivalent of that. It’s also an antidote to toxic masculinity. These guys look as though they like each other, and you feel that they’d like you, too, if they knew you better.

“La Marseillaise” from Casablanca

Casablanca has got to be the best-edited movie in the world. I count 44 cuts in this short scene, yet you scarcely notice them as the action pulses ahead and the music keeps right up with it. If you don’t feel like a patriot now, you will after you watch this—a French patriot, but a patriot nonetheless.

Wilson Pickett – “Land of 1000 Dances”

If you’re ready to pony like Bony Moronie, just count 1-2-3 and let The Wicked Pickett take it from there. But, keep your distance: the man was said to be frighteningly violent. Trumpet player David Akers said, “If you see Wilson in a restaurant, go to another restaurant. If he’s in the hotel bar, go to another bar, anywhere but where he is. You can have a very pleasant evening.” And, critic Elvis Mitchell once wrote of Pickett, “The only safe place for him is the stage.” The man sounds like a handful here, doesn’t he?

Jonathan Richman – “I Was Dancing in the Lesbian Bar”

Let’s keep the energy up but slow the tempo just a little with one of the best lyricists in the business, Mr. Jonathan Richman. Oh, and it looks as though he’s taken some dance lessons as well; just wait till the slider gets down to the 1’50” point. Sounds as though Jonathan had a ball at the lesbian bar, and you will, too.

Fatboy Slim – “Weapon of Choice”

Can anyone else in the world start off looking like a corpse and then turn into a rooster on acid faster than Christopher Walken? That’s a rhetorical question, of course.

Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock – “It Takes Two”

I’d like to get my buddies to dance down the street with me the way the fellows do here at the 00:00:25 point, but repeated trials have shown that I can’t even do the steps by myself. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, of course.

Flatt & Scruggs – “Foggy Mountain Breakdown”

Speaking of  ability, I’ve also determined that, even doing nothing, I can’t move my fingers as fast as Earl Scruggs does here when he’s making celestial hoedown music come out of his banjo.

The Corrs – “Joy Of Life / Trout In The Bath”

All right now, ye spalpeens, here’s a great wee sma’ fookin’ tune for yez.  And look, this band is all lasses—okay, it’s mostly lasses. One sure thing is that there’s no greater instrument than a well-played pennywhistle, especially when it’s played by a lass.

Barbara George – “I Know(You Don’t Love Me No More)”

Barbara George has had it up to here, damn it. She doesn’t want to be hurted anymore, and if you’ve been hurted recently, see if this song with its rolling New Orleans-style piano doesn’t make you feel just a whole lot better. And check out those vintage car photos in the video—if the piano doesn’t fix you, the tailfins will.

Tina Turner – “A Fool in Love”

Tina Turner sings the mess out of this song. I’d rather be growled at by Tina than cooed to by an angel. Tina could growl me a bedtime story. I wouldn’t sleep all night, but hat’s the point.

INXS (with Jimmy Barnes) – “Good Times”

Okay, either watch the video or listen to the song; if you do both, you’ll overload. Bony Moronie, Long Tall Sally, Short Fat Fanny: they’re all out on the dance floor. And now you are, too—hey, didn’t you hear what I said? Seriously, I had this song on my car radio yesterday, and when I drove by the graveyard, dead motherfuckers got up out of the ground and danced. Here’s to Larry Williams, Richard Penniman, and the other late, great R&B all-stars who hover over these maniacs from Down Under.

Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson – “Just to Satisfy You”

There’s no end to songs about masculine self-pity, but most of them aren’t as upbeat as this one. Willie sounds too relaxed to be vengeful, but Waylon more than makes up for that as his words fall like hammer blows on the heart of some woman who did nothing more to him than come to her senses.

Redbone – “Come and Get Your Love”

This is really two songs in one, and it’s hard to say which is more of a surprise.

Los Fabulosos Cadillacs – “Matador”

Is this a song or a video or a fever dream or all three? It goes on for more than five minutes, but depending on what you had for breakfast, that stretch of time can seem more like five seconds or five years. “Matador” is the equivalent of a steaming mug of yerba mate with a shot of tequila on the side.

The Who – “Magic Bus”

Yes, this is a mainstream tune, and yes, it’s another long one. That said, give it a listen. Like the best hard rock bands, The Who don’t quite sound as though they know what they’re doing when they start. The same is true for the middle, and at the end, they’re playing another song altogether. That’s okay, though. You’re not riding the bus, remember. You’re riding the magic bus.

Craig Campbell & Scarlett Johansson (Yes, that Scarlett Johansson) – “The Boot Are Made for Walking”

Here’s a quick shot of espresso for you. There have been some peculair videos on this list, but the oddest thing about his one is that our hardworking troops don’t seem to have noticed that there’s a Special Guest Star in the room.

Bo Diddley – “Let Me Pass”

Often listmakers point out that they haven’t saved the best for last. I’ve saved the best for last. In fact, this is my first choice, the one that got me started on this project. Where possible, I hoped to pair each song with a slappin’ video, and this is the slappingest. Check out the go-go dancers who look like a bunch of Library Science grad students, including one who spent so much time in the stacks that she has to sit down to frug. Then there’s a bass player whose hair has its own zip code, public transportation, and elected officials. The drummer is so magical he doesn’t have to drum, just wave his sticks in the air.  And I haven’t even gotten to Bo.

And that’s it. Remember, whether you’re talking about coffee or music, life is too short for decaf. I’ll sleep when I’m dead, said Warren Zevon, and he should know. Thanks for tuning in, and thanks to Brett Cortelletti, Anita McCabe, Margret Raines, and the Reverend Dan Van Wert for leading me to some of these selections.

– David Kirby