Friday, 3:02 p.m.

To: v3ng3ful@lunat1c.com

Subject: Break-up

Dear Vengeance,

I’ll just say it. I’m breaking up with you. I just don’t think things are working out between us.  Don’t get me wrong; I enjoyed leaving burning paper bags full of unspeakable things on old high school enemies’ porches–probably more than I should–but I don’t think your way of dealing with problems is good for me. And so, as part of my mid-June resolution, I’m going to be honest with you and come clean.

I’ve been seeing Compassion behind your back. I just feel like he’s been giving me such a positive outcome! He doesn’t make me give people bottles full of urine with an Apple Juice label. He doesn’t make me insult people to their face just because they sat in my seat–in fact, he makes me compliment their faces. Also, because of him, there is no longer a warrant out for my arrest for pantsing the president, even if he deserved it. My life has just gotten so much better since I met him.

I know that this isn’t fair, and that you’re probably going to burn my house down (I’m in Hawaii right now to escape your impending rage,) but I want you to know that I truly am sorry.

Also, I don’t like your friends very much. Every time Anger comes over, I can’t even hear myself think; I mean, does he really have to yell about everything? Guilt won’t get out of my personal space. Complain whines about literally EVERYTHING. Dictator is bossy and it drives me insane. Depressed ate all my chocolate frosting. Unpredictable is downright arbitrary; who puts socks with shirts, anyway? Apparently, he does.

Not to mention your ex, Revenge, wouldn’t stop vandalizing my house and spray-painting death threats on my door.

I don’t know how she got my address.

I’ll email Privacy about it later.

But that’s beside the point. I just feel like you’re having a negative impact on me altogether. It felt good putting that poisonous snake in my brother’s bed after he taped fake spiders all over my room, but now he’s in Intensive Care and he’s not even conscious to feel the burn of my revenge! Kind of ruins the fun.

Anyway, I would say I’m on a date with Destiny, but Fate already played that card. Compassion and I are going on a double date with them tonight, actually.

Thanks for understanding. I’m sorry it had to end this way.

                                                          Sincerely,                                                                                                                 – Naïve

Saturday, 4:07 p.m.

To: v3ng3ful@lunat1c.com

Subject: Break-up

Dear Vengeance,

My brother put spiders in my room again–REAL spiders. Can we get back together?

– Nichole Quinn

Author’s Note: “Dear Vengeance” is a comedic take on the experiences ensuing a break-up from a toxic partner and how we often cope. Nicole wrote it at 14 but failed to publish it up until now. Speaking from observations rather than a personal experience, “Dear Vengeance” is one of Quinn’s favorite pieces to write thus far.