The directions were as follows: Apply a one-inch strip of toothpaste onto a soft-bristle toothbrush. Brush teeth thoroughly for at least two minutes twice a day (morning and evening) or as recommended by a dentist. Do not swallow. Spit out after brushing.

He wasn’t sure whether his toothbrush was a soft-bristle toothbrush. It may have been a medium- or hard-bristle toothbrush toothbrush. The toothbrush was old. He’d thrown away the packaging on the day he’d opened the toothbrush. Or within a few days thereafter, anyway. He wasn’t a slob. He examined the toothbrush. It bore no indication of the type of bristle, unfortunately. As a matter of fact, the only word to be found on the toothbrush was the name of the manufacturer. For the purpose of corporate branding.

The world sucks, he thought to himself.

Without applying any toothpaste, he brushed his tongue for a moment. He was trying to deduce the type of bristle. The material was synthetic. Nylon or polyester. Pig hair bristles are an alternative, apparently. Eco-friendly, biodegradable. Not common in the United States, though. The texture of the bristles is determined mostly by their length and diameter. There was another toothbrush in the holder. He positioned his toothbrush and the other toothbrush side-by-side and tried to compare the dimensions of their bristles. A difference of a hundredth or thousandth of an inch is imperceptible to the naked eye, though.

He tried to remember whether he’d bought his toothbrush at a pharmacy. Sometimes, the dentist or hygienist gave him a toothbrush or other oral care products at the conclusion of a routine visit. As a parting gift or whatever. Dentists generally want their patients to use soft-bristle toothbrushes, which are gentler on the gums. Some people don’t listen, though. They think medium- or hard-bristle toothbrushes do a better job of removing plaque and stains. They won’t change their beliefs or behavior, regardless of the evidence.

People are dumb, he thought to himself.

The other toothbrush in the holder belonged to a roommate. The roommate was away. Where? Somewhere. Singapore, maybe. Malaysia. Australia. Business-related travel. The roommate was away a lot, packing a foldable toothbrush and leaving the other toothbrush in the holder. He was glad the roommate was away. He preferred solitude, although he understood too much of a good thing becomes dangerous.

He wished he hadn’t happened to notice the directions on the tube of toothpaste. He’d noticed them, though. And he’d bothered to read them and henceforth now and forever would be compelled to obey them. Trying to deduce the type of bristle was a fool’s errand. The only way forward was to start over. His toothbrush was old, besides which. He tossed his toothbrush in the wastebasket under the sink and went to the pharmacy and bought a soft-bristle toothbrush. The balance of the directions were straightforward, more or less.

– Pete Riebling

Author’s Note: A six-pack of boar-bristle toothbrushes will cost approximately $17.99.