These bitches didn’t even know I was ready.

“Just give me a reason to defend myself.”

I repeated this as a mantra in the parking lot of the Lauderdale Lakes Point Café. 

We were at the breaking point. Another week. Another battle.

I took a moment to consider my triggers. There was Ray. There was me being pregnant. There was obviously my mother. Which.

I wasn’t going to do it.

I wasn’t going to do it this time.

I wasn’t even going to bring up my mother.

I was the only one who ever brought up my mother.

Bringing up my mother was entirely in my control.

Even though, of course, as usual, she was driving me crazy.

But I wasn’t going to do it.

I was in control.

I grabbed my purse. I was ready for these bitches.

I showed up at the table and kiss-kissed.

There were compliments all around.

Andrea’s dress was amazing.

I was pregnant and glowing.

Bethany and her husband just bought a house and how exciting.

Danielle per usual arrived late but of course had an inane story as the reason.

We ordered the boozy brunch. Danielle ordered an extra shot for herself.  Drinks arrived swiftly. We clinked our glasses. Brunch had begun.

“To the finest establishment in Lauderdale Lakes,” said Bethany.

I had already taken a quick scan of the girls. Bethany had her piece taped to her ankle right below the cuff of her green capris.  Andrea had hers holstered inside her sweater which showed when she made any sort of grand gesture. Danielle put hers right on the table when she came in, essentially peacocking her right of open-carry. Mine was resting comfortably inside my purse. I made a point of making it visible to the gang as I put my sunglasses into my purse. It was mutually assured destruction. Slightly, I relaxed. We got down to business.

“Bethany, that’s so amazing you and Dan are buying a house.”
“That’s such a huge commitment.”
“I don’t think I ever want to buy a house. Not in this economy.”
“Was this something you wanted to do, or… was this Dan’s idea?”
“It’s just seems like, a very big commitment.”
“Are things really even that good between you and Dan right now to be doing this?”

Dan was a trigger. We had known it since third grade. We used to tease her on the playground that they were in love with each other, and now we tease her at brunch that they’re not in love. Either way it pissed her off.

Bethany was cool though. Real cool.

“Dan and I are doing great,” she said. “Buying this house together and doing all the work together it’s going to take fixing up, I know it’s going to bring us even closer together.”

I caught just a twitch of her eye, but it recovered as soon as it happened. 

She pivoted toward me. “So! How are things with you and Ray?”

I sort of frowned and bobbed my head around. “Well, you know, it’s not exactly ideal with me and Ray right now.” I took a breath. I was in control. “He says he’s interested in being a father to the baby, so we’re just taking it slow. He has his apartment and he’s going to give me $250 a month for now. He’s got a job interview next week and he said it seems promising. I just think having him in the baby’s life is a good thing and we’re going to make it work.”

Yeah. I was keeping it cool.

But I knew what was coming. The onslaught of the chorus. I finished my mimosa and got the waiter’s attention to pour us another round. 

“Yeah I’m just so glad I’m not pregnant.”
“Especially not right now.”
“Definitely not in this economy.”
 “I mean we’re going to support you no matter what.”
“Especially if Ray starts to flake out.”
“More like WHEN Ray starts to flake out.”
“You can do so much better than Ray.”
“We’ve always told you that.”
“You’re way better than he is.”
“He’s gross, even though there was that time, I did make out with him our Junior year, but then remember I was so sorry he cheated on you, I told you right away in Physical Science class, because girl, you know I love you.”

My mimosa arrived. I took a sizable drink and glared at Bethany. She could find any reason to tell that story.

The food arrived

We snapped pictures.  We lavished the waiter with praise. He gave an orthodox bow. The waiter was practically a member of the gang. He had worked our section for years. We liked him, even though he was the twitchy type. Honestly, who could blame him, he had seen some shit.

“It’s such a pleasure…serving you ladies again. My favorite ladies in all of Florida. I hope we all have a lovely time – a happy time – a time where nothing… where no one reacts in a way that…”

He trailed off tragically and one of his fellow waiters kindly turned him around and led him back into the kitchen.

Again, it was understandable. He had seen some shit.

A couple years ago we got into it with a rival group of brunchers who were here from up north on vacation. They were dumb and loud and Andrea accidentally-on-purpose walked over and knocked one of their water glasses off the table. Words ensued. It got heated. Someone took a video which actually went viral for days. We were famous. There were people we went to high school with who had moved away all across country messaging me on Facebook about the video asking me what in the hell had happened. It was just some light intimidation. They backed down when they saw the pieces we were packing. It was Florida rules and these bitches were from out of town. We were the Lauderdale Lake Ladies. The top gang in town. We had a first amendment right, and a second amendment right. And by god we used it.

Originally, there were seven of us. We lost Gail to an isolated skirmish at the produce section of Publix. A disagreement over who had grabbed the last ripe avocado.

We lost Sarah when she got into an altercation late at a Jack in the Box with someone who was taking too long ordering at the drive-thru.

And then there was last week.

Christa had overreacted. Perhaps everyone had overreacted, but Christa really overreacted.

Christa had a really shitty Instagram account. It was well known.

Christa just didn’t get Instagram.

I could never write a symphony, she could never keep a cohesive set of images together.

She had too many depressing quotes.

She didn’t need to write a novel about every goddamn part of her life.

We had given it to her somewhat hard that day. We lobbed some barbs of passive aggression and worked our way up to round-house kicks of aggressive-aggression.

Sometimes the chorus touches on your trigger and you just have to take it, but that day, Christa couldn’t.

Danielle said something pretty offensive to her about her Instagram story from the previous day and Christa stood up and slapped her.

I had never seen her lose it like that. Maybe once after graduation when accidentally-on-purpose we forgot to invite her to what we billed locally as the summer pool party of the year, perhaps only then had I seen her so full of pure rage.

So she slapped Danielle, then she stood up, and pushed Danielle out of her chair. Christa picked up her mimosa glass from the table, which had a little bit of mimosa left in it. It seemed to me she was simply going to finish off the rest of it, but as she grabbed it off the table and lifted it, Danielle from a prone position on the ground pulled out her piece and fired four bullets into her former bridesmaid. The Sheriff came and took our statements. Danielle explained she felt her life was at risk and was free to go.

So yeah. The waiter had seen some shit.  A week later, he seemed to still be a bit shaky about it.

Meanwhile, I was starting to lose it.

“And then there’s my mother,” I said having finished my second mimosa and already craving a third. “I mean you all know how critical she is, and I haven’t even told her about the pregnancy, because I know what she’s going to say, she’s just going to tell me I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, and all her and Ray do is fight with each other and I don’t even know if I want her negativity around my baby when it’s born.”

I looked around. Andrea was checking her phone. Bethany and Danielle were giving each other bites of the food they ordered. They were ignoring me entirely.

The swallowed the rest of my drink. I seethed. It dawned on me. They were doing this on purpose.

When we were kids, they used to lock me in a closet while they played with dolls or board games until I screamed my lungs off for them to open the door. I was always the one left behind. Every time they ignored me, I was that little girl again. Left out. Dismissed.

These were my best friends in the whole world and I was so angry I wanted to blow their fucking heads off.

It might’ve been my pregnancy hormones.

But whatever.

I was so tired of this. Week after week. The updates.

The chorus.

It was time for this to end.

I whispered my mantra to myself. “Someone just give me a reason.”

The check came and I happened to grab it first. I looked it over.  I saw something I could exploit.

“How about we split this all evenly four ways?” I said.

I handed the check to Bethany, consistently the most frugal among us. She looked it over. “Well, actually, Danielle ended up getting an extra shot than we did, and her eggs benedict was the most expensive of all our meals. So, she should probably put in extra.”

Danielle looked confused. Somewhat offended. “Ok Bethany,” she said rummaging through her purse for cash. “I mean, god, you’ve been so stingy with money ever since you and your dirtball husband bought that sinkhole of a house.”

“Excuse me,” said Bethany still very much in control, “But it’s what you owe. Just because you’re bad with money and don’t know how to save a penny doesn’t mean the rest of us have to bail you out all the time.”

My plan was working. The big-time triggers were being hit.

“Fuck you, you stupid bitch,” said Danielle.

With that, it was game time. Andrea started to untape her gun from her ankle.

The waiter heard the commotion and ran out from the kitchen.  “Stop!” He yelled it repeatedly though his voice was cracking each time. He had a gun and was waving it around. He began pleading with us but when he realized Bethany and Danielle weren’t going to be de-escalating anytime soon he fired his gun straight up in the air. This got everyone’s attention.

The ladies drew their gun on him and the waiter screamed and I drew my gun on them and soon one by one everyone in Lavender Lakes Point Café pulled their pieces out, as each of us prepared to stand our ground.

– Frank Jackson

Author’s Note: There’s so much about our gun laws that are dangerous and absurd, so a shootout over brunch seemed to me as ridiculous and plausible as any story I might find in the news on any given day.