Once upon a time, there were three little pigs. Each of the pigs feared the big bad wolf that would terrorize them by crossing the border from where he lived to where they lived. To protect themselves, the three little pigs formed a committee and paid for a focus group to provide politically correct solutions to their problem about the undocumented wolf.

The first focus group advocated for giving the wolf whatever he wanted because it was not fair that the pigs had so much and the wolf had nothing. The first little pig asked, “Why should I give the wolf everything I worked so hard for, all my life, to acquire?” The head of the focus group denounced the first little pig as a racist and a speaker of “hate speech”. After a series of lawsuits designed to bankrupt the little pig, he could only construct a meager barrier of straw to thwart the next wolf incursion.

The second little pig hired his own lawyer and began construction of a barbed wire fence to prevent the wolf from attacking. However, the focus group (and surprisingly silent and easily coerced politicians) began judge shopping in the 9th Circuit Court to locate a federal judge to impose an injunction against barb wire use until the results of the next election were finalized. This left the second little pig with only the vertical posts (barely even sticks after legal expenses) and no horizontal wire for protection. He knew the next caravan of wolves would cross the border before he could legally finish his fence.

The third little pig decided to be proactive. He journeyed to each of the focus group member’s houses and dismantled the iron gates and stone walls they lived behind for their protection and created a formidable barrier against wolf crossings. He then advocated on the abundance of cooking shows the health benefits of eating wolf meat and demonstrated the preponderance of varieties of garnishes and sauces to create 5-star meals. He then read the US Constitution to verify the executive power to provide for the common defense and deploy the military. With a wall in place and guarded by soldiers with orders from the Commander-in-Chief and not a member of the judiciary, the third little piggy began a series of lawsuits against his opponents to tie-up their assets in a never ending series of injunctions and depositions. Finally, the third little piggy focused the attention of the IRS on each of his opponents (for the previous Commander-in-Chief demonstrated that the IRS could be weaponized against political opponents without much ado) to audit their earnings and financial holdings. Anyone complaining received a visit from a special investigator after imposed liens and garnishments.

When the wolf, or wolves, or caravans of wolves, or undocumented wolves came, they used the straw from the first little piggy’s barrier to cook and eat the piggy. All that remained was a summons from the EPA against the first little piggy for violations against the Clean Air Act. When the wolves found the second little piggy’s vertical posts, they removed one to skewer the piggy and feed it to the wolf females and children (note: no photo of the wolves even showed wolf females or wolf children). The second little piggy died just before a government bureaucrat came to arrest him for failing to comply with the food pyramid nutritional guidelines for meals to children and for aiding in the truancy of wolf children when they should have been attending free educational classes at public schools built (using eminent domain powers) of the second little piggy’s property.

When the wolves came to the third little piggy’s house, the wolves did not follow the written law of the land. They became incensed at having to do so. When the wolves tried to climb the wall, the soldiers followed orders and protected not just the third little piggy, but all of the little piggies in the country, whether they deserved or wanted protection. When the wolves saw the first dead wolf roasting on a rotisserie, they got the message.

Some little piggy’s complained, for they claimed this right in earnest. Each of the complaining little piggies openly declared they would leave the country unless they got their way. The third little piggy “openly” offered to send each of the complaining piggies to wolf land. This immediately shut the troublesome, complaining piggies up. Not for long, but just long enough for them to take to social media, afternoon talk shows, evening award shows, and friendly courts to garner favor because they felt oppressed (you can lead a complaining piggy to water, but you can’t make him think).

The moral of the story is simple, in the defense of your country, if you can swallow the validity of previously unchallenged executive orders over legislative acts, if you will bow to pressure and not follow the rule of law, if you are not able to defend what is supposed to defend you, then you might taste good paired with grilled asparagus and béarnaise sauce.

Do walls work?  If you live behind one, then you already have your answer.

– Andy Betz