In Memory of Casey Philips
By Andrew Lafleche
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“My uncle just moved in,” Casey said.
I knew there was more.
“Don?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“Well that will probably be good for your dad, won’t it?”
“Maybe.”
“What’s up Case?”
“Don.” He was unable to speak the words that came next.
“Don? I don’t follow.”
“I’ve never told anyone this before.”
“I’m not anyone,” I grumbled.
“Don raped me.”
My face was blank. Casey was serious. He kept his eyes staring at the ground and said it again, “I think he raped me.”
“What do you mean, you think he raped you?”
“He raped me.”
Casey was more ashamed than sad. His chin dripped to his chest. His eyes remained downcast. “Last summer.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m telling you now.”
By the end of the conversation I wanted to crush the skull of every adult I’d ever met.
“Remember how I went to Golden Lake with my uncle last summer?” Casey said.
“Yeah.”
“Then.”
“Case, bro, you have to give me more than that,” I said, unsure of what to say. “Do we have to kill somebody?”
“Stop,” he said. “I just want you to listen.”
My nod was weighted with hesitation.
“Last summer,” he began, “I was working for my uncle at the Sunset Greenhouse over on Fourth Street.”
“Yeah, yeah. I subbed a few Saturdays with you.”
“There. Don always treated us good. He always treated me better. I thought it was because I was family. I didn’t know.”
“Case.”
“Every Friday he let me have a beer at the end of my shift with the older guys.”
“I remember.”
“It felt good being accepted with them; like I’d made it.”
“I was always jealous of you, man.” As soon as I said it, I regretted it.
“I know. Looking back, I can see all the signs. I can connect all the dots, Troy. All the flags were there.”
In a conversation like this, after you fumble the first few exchanges, you shut up quick, and I did.
“That Friday he mentioned how his cottage needed the roof re-shingled. One beer deep and soaking up the attention from the new group I thought I’d earned my way into, I said, ‘I can totally give you a hand.’ Hook, line, and sinker, Troy. That was his bait. I remember the other guys in the room. I remember their faces when Don threw the lure out, like they knew his thing for younger boys.
“They winced, Troy. I thought they were avoiding offering their own help. It was awkward. Then to break the silence I said, ‘Ya for sure. I don’t have anything going on this summer; I just have to clear it with my parents first.’
“Do you know how many times I’ve regretted saying that? Those guys just standing there.”
His face was dark with pain.
“A few weeks later he was picking me up in his red Tracker at my parent’s house. Now every time I see an old Chevy I rage out.”
Casey flexed his hands open then closed.
“On the way to his cottage we stopped by this burger shack. Weber’s or something. There was a gun warehouse that sold beer right beside. He grabbed a six-pack and wanted to buy me a hat but I felt like I was already taking advantage of him with the beer so I said no.
“The rest of the drive up he let me drink. Looking back, I remember asking, ‘Aren’t you having any?’ But he told me how it was OK for me to, but that he was responsible to bring me back to my parents safe and sound. He said he’d drink when we arrived.
“At the cottage he showed me my room then pulled out some rum from Jamaica.” He paused. He huffed. “I was such an idiot.”
I set my hand on his shoulder. “Case.” He squirmed out from under my touch.
“He had this handcrafted bar in the living room with mirrors reflecting the collection of bottles. He even had a mirror on the ceiling like you’d see in one of those trashy honeymoon hotel rooms. On the counter was a wood carved statue from Thailand or somewhere. Boner. That’s what he called it. It was this roughly carved caveman-looking fuck with an oversized erect penis. He laughed when he saw me looking at it. Like I had a choice. It was on the bar right in front of where he stood, so I had to ask about it. He told me his friend who traveled brought it back for him and had a good laugh as he pretended to stroke the shaft. It was uncomfortable, but he’s my uncle, so I laughed with him.
“He poured the drinks behind the bar and we went out to his deck overlooking the lake. I felt a little off with the statue and the stroking and the drinks, but him being my uncle and being outside in the woods with the lake, I just sort of dismissed all my concerns.”
He clenched his fists and took a deep breath. “I’m such a fucking idiot, Troy.”
I watched him silently.
“The people at the cottage next to his were there. A young couple, older than me but younger than Don, they came by when they saw us outside. ‘Hey Donny,’ the neighbour guy said when they started their walk over. I forget their names but there were two of them and they definitely had their suspicions.
“They drank with us for a while, like that annoying girl who won’t leave knowing her girlfriend will sleep with whoever she’s trying to save her from. Even if it’s not true, I remember their eyes screaming, ‘RUN,’ but I kept letting him fill my drink. I’d never been so drunk before and it was awesome, Troy. The stars out there were fucking outrageous. His neighbours left and we went inside. He poured more rum from behind the bar and then closed the shades. Then he said, ‘Fucking Boner, huh?’
“‘Yeah Don, that’s some weird shit.’ I laughed as I drank the new drink. You know how when you’re finally accepted, you want to act bigger than you are?”
I nodded.
“I was drinking, trying to keep up because I thought he was drinking just as much as me.”
“Case,” I said, “we’ve all been there.”
“No, Troy,” he snapped. “You haven’t.”
I bit my lip and dodged his glare.
“Don stood above me and laughed. He said, ‘I’m going to suck your dick.’”
Somehow Casey bowed his head even lower and in an almost-whisper-like voice said, “I laughed.”
I wanted to scream the pause endured so long. I wanted to shake him, “Case, you fuck. Fuck.” I think he wanted me to yell at him and hit him, even though we both knew it wasn’t his fault. All it would have been was him bearing the brunt of what we both wanted to exact on the world around us.
“Before I knew it,” Casey said, “he was on his knees unzipping my jeans.”
“Casey,” I said, drawing out his name.
“I was hard, Troy,” he admitted. “He gripped it fucking perfectly and then put his mouth on it.”
“Case,” I said sharply. Casey didn’t stop.
“He blew me Troy, and I didn’t move. I couldn’t move. I just let him suck my dick.” Casey scrubbed his eyes, inhaled deep and blew out his lungs. “After a while he took my hands and led me to the bedroom. He laid me on the bed and undressed me. I was immobile. Then he took his clothes off.”
“You don’t have to do this.”
“I felt his whiskers brush against the side of my face. I expected to smell rum on his breath, but there wasn’t any to smell. He was stone sober. The whole night had been a set up.” Casey picked at his jeans. “He rolled me over. I felt him push against my ass and I knew what he was doing. My face mushed into one of the pillows. I remember seeing an ax in the corner of the room. I remember his dick being soft.”
Casey kind of looked up and asked, “Do you remember those water filled worm-like toys?”
“No.”
“Water-snakes. That’s what they’re called. That’s what his penis felt like against my asshole. Limp. Trying desperately to force its way in but bending and missing every time he tried. I begged him to stop, I said, ‘Don, please,’ but this just turned him on more.”
Casey burst into sobs.
“It hurt so bad Troy. Like needles being forced through my guts. My body tightened. I could barely breath. It’s when everything went black.”
He told me how he woke up the next morning to an empty bed. He smelled cooking in the kitchen and could hear bacon frying.
“In the corner of the room where I saw the ax the night before,” he continued. “It was gone. From the kitchen I heard Don asking all playful like, ‘Is that movement I hear in there?’ As if what happened didn’t happen. My boxers were folded beside the bed. So were my jeans. I put them on and as I was putting them on, I saw the blood on the sheets.”
A shiver shook his body.
“I think he went at me all night. I felt like I was going to throw up. The hangover was clawing at the backs of my eyes. ‘I made bacon and eggs,’ Don said when he saw me. ‘I was thinking instead of working on the roof today, we go out on the boat and try and get you up on those water skis.’
“Beside where he was cooking breakfast was one of those old phones with the dials on the front. It was unplugged from the wall. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say, so like the little bitch I am, I said, ‘Yeah, that’d be cool.’”
“You’re not a bitch, Case. Don’t even fucking play that card.”
“And that was that. When I called home later that night, Don hovered as I talked to my mom. When it was time for bed, he offered me his, but I politely declined. Can you believe that? I politely declined letting him use me as his sex toy and slept on the couch instead. I barely slept, but I know I dozed off at some point because in the morning he was standing over me again. I just wanted to get out of there. I told him I had to get back to make it on time to watch the football game with my dad.
“On the drive home, we stopped at the same gun shop we stopped at on the way up. I stayed in the car. When Don returned, he tossed a plastic bag on my lap and said, ‘You earned it, kiddo.’ It was the wide-brimmed hat I was looking at before. I felt like puking. We drove the rest of the way in silence. The fucking guy, he even waved and smiled to my mom when she welcomed me home.”
“Casey.”
“No Troy, don’t say anything,” he said. “I just wanted you to know he was staying at the house now.”
“Let’s do something about it.”
“No.”
“He’s going to try again.”
“I know,” he said. “The past three nights he’s crawled into my bed after I was already asleep.”
“Did you hit him?”
“I went downstairs to the couch.”
“Well I guess that’s better.”
“No,” he said. “He followed me down. I ended up sleeping on the floor.”
“Every night?” I asked.
“For the past three.”
“Case,” I said. “What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t want you to say anything,” Casey said. “I just wanted someone to know.”
– Andrew Lafleche