“I’m not getting married at 23.”

Hearing this, my perpetually obedient sister looked to our mother, awaiting her response. The kitchen, a historically feminine domain, was no place to make such declarative statements, but I didn’t care. I have always known what I wanted out of life, and it didn’t include getting hitched before I obtained my medical degree. But as my mother calmly shut down that conversation, I realized we would never agree on the role of women in modern society. So within this concoction of differing perspectives lies my belief that women deserve equality, but men are not entirely to blame for societal inequities. While recognizing the dualities of feminism and toxic masculinity, I pen this love letter to those of us who are in the middle.

History is recounted by the privileged, and it tends to demean and disregard the profound sacrifices made by legendary heroines such as Joan of Arc, Sappho, Cleopatra, and countless others. These women were way ahead of their time, confronting the millennia-old stigma surrounding the “weaker sex” and raising a proverbial middle finger to the patriarchy. In defense of the patriarchy, it is critical to note that not all women supported these leaders, and they were required to satisfy the domestic needs of their households (and husbands). And these aren’t the only accounts of feminism; there was Yaa Asantewaa, an influential Ashanti queen in present-day Ghana. There were the fearless Dahomey Amazons of the Benin Kingdom. History will forever remember the venerable (and virgin) Queen Elizabeth I and acknowledge Gloria Steinem, framer of the modern feminist manifesto. And while these are all accomplished, virtuous women, it is impossible to ignore the inherent ambiguity of this movement. In the simplest terms, there are growing multitudes of women who would rather fulfill traditional gender roles. Moreover, there are vast multitudes of men believing feminism to be an assault on their rights, thus not identifying with the cause. The problem begins to exist when these individuals are vilified for their opinion and subsequently shunned in a neo-liberal society.

At surface level, the feminist movement is about gender equality, the main objective being the reversal of about 10,000 years of female oppression. However, it becomes increasingly obvious that this movement may include the repeal of historic disenfranchisement along with revenge on the opposite sex. Whether this revenge is overt or institutionalized, many feminists fail to realize this is equally detrimental to society as patriarchal control and is not representative of all female voices. Feminism appears to negate the admirable qualities of women, and in a world where young women are forced to think and behave in one specific manner, it falsely presents itself as a solution to this problem. 

Politically speaking, feminism is inherently damaging in a world of patriarchal control. However, both moderate and extreme feminists are frequently ostracized by both political opponents and mainstream media for speaking their minds. In conjunction, feminists tend to delegitimize those disinterested or discouraged from supporting their movement. But beneath this rather scathing review of feminism lies my profound admiration for its contributions to society. Feminism has facilitated intimate discussions on global gender disparities, created impactful leaders such as Angela Merkel and Jacinda Ardern, and heightened global awareness concerning sexual assault and the destigmatization of women’s sexual health. Then again, while recognizing this progressive stride towards equality, we must also note that such discussions often result in puritanical screaming matches and the lack of plausible solutions. Furthermore, while attending women’s empowerment meetings at my school, I realized that modern feminism seems to fixate mainly on men, again not solving women’s issues.

Historically, feminism in America was an exclusive movement reserved for white, middle-class women privy to socioeconomic elitism. These women lived in a separate world than their black and brown counterparts, enjoying highly privileged lifestyles while advocating for their voting rights. After all, it is widely known that American suffragettes Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony were distastefully displeased with the concept of universal black male suffrage, believing themselves to be more worthy of such rights. Unbeknownst to them, their movement had already been established on a fallacy, forfeiting the right to claim they “hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men and women are created equal.” Such exclusivity and racism from the past have survived and amplified itself within the modern feminist movement by continually dismissing issues faced by women of color. Personally speaking, I am appalled that it took decades of sexual abuse and other traumatic experiences for black and brown women to no longer be invisible within the feminist movement. 

Furthermore, these early pioneers were likely complicit in their oppression, along with others supporting their husbands’ abuses of power rather than actual equality. Throughout global history, this Beauvoirian concept has been demonstrated in nearly every catastrophic event (e.g. Transatlantic Slave Trade, WWII, colonization, Scramble for Africa), in which the wives of dictators and criminals willingly supported evil despite their societal inferiority. Beauvoir’s theory argues that “refusing to be Other, refusing complicity with man, would mean renouncing all the advantages an alliance with the superior caste confers on them” (Beauvoir, 1949/2011). In other words, complicity results in socioeconomic advantages, seeing that these women were rewarded with wealth and social prestige. This power dynamic is alive and well within American politics and economic sectors, where moderate and conservative women are likely to support their bigoted husbands if it means keeping their position on Wall Street.

Sadly, most men are uncomfortable with the notion of feminism and women’s empowerment. After millennia of ego-boosting indoctrination, men are programmed to believe women are fragile beings in need of protection. While men and women need to protect each other, it is critical to note that men are usually the first to defame and ridicule feminists, painting them as miserable women in need of sexual rejuvenation. The first round of ad hominem insults is usually directed towards outward appearance and age, a direct result of societal programming that constantly objectifies and dismisses women regardless of race or political affiliation. In return, women have been programmed to respond with grace and poise, along with the occasional death stare. Any response rooted in anger and frustration fits the tired narrative that women are fragile, overemotional freaks of nature, and further facilitates complicit oppression. And with toxic masculinity lurking around every dark corner or unlit sidewalk, such programming makes it undeniably difficult to determine whether you want to return to your Brooklyn apartment one evening or posthumously inspire a new Law & Order SVU episode when confronted with inappropriate behavior. 

For feminism to be more successful, it must appeal to everyone. A surface-level movement is ineffective and likely to deteriorate in its infancy, which ultimately accomplishes nothing. Liberal men and women should refrain from facilitating screaming matches and dismissing those with differing views with “You need to seriously educate yourself!”. Conservative men and women should look beyond religion and acknowledge the feminist argument without hurling condescending, childish insults at the “libtards”. Moderate men and women like myself have yet to find a happy medium, and once we do, our job should be to mediate meaningful discussions and listen to opposing sides without bias. Feminism should be multifaceted, addressing issues from racism to classism within its movement. It should promote and recognize women’s experiences from across the world, not just in developed countries. It should work towards a common, sustainable goal, not just equal pay for New Yorkers and access to maternal resources for Nigerians. Without these elements, feminism will retain its stained reputation and continue to be a nuisance to the ignorant sectors of society. Let us dismantle the patriarchy one discussion at a time.

– Tochi Ukegbu